


Moment of Cowardice

by BlimpFruit



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Gen, kaede lives au, spoilers for all of V3
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2019-01-19
Packaged: 2019-06-08 09:28:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15240387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlimpFruit/pseuds/BlimpFruit
Summary: The Ultimate Pianist makes a decision, and is forced to live with the consequences.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Beta’d by the wonderful [eatreadandsleeprepeat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/eatreadandsleeprepeat/pseuds/eatreadandsleeprepeat).

Kaede Akamatsu, the Ultimate Pianist, burst into the bathroom.

She didn’t really need to “go freshen up”, like she had said when she excused herself momentarily. She just needed a respite from what was almost certainly the worst day of her life. But then again, that wasn’t really saying much, given how long she had actually lived, was it? She looked around the bathroom absently, hoping for some sort of distraction for the thoughts that had been pounding in her skull, but found none. Instead, her brain unhelpfully brought up a Händel piano suite that suited the situation. A song she knew almost by heart, that even now her fingers were tapping out by her side, but one she had never actually played. 

Had she ever even touched a piano? She didn’t think she had. After all, even when it was offered to her, she had more important things to do, or at least, so she had thought. “An Ultimate Pianist who’s never played,” she mumbled. But it’s not as though she was special in that regard. All the others were like her too. It was just as well. She wasn’t sure that if she ever sat down at the instrument again, whether she’d either start crying or laugh hysterically. Of course, she thought with a bitter grin covering her face, she’d probably have the opportunity to find out sometime soon. It sounded like the kind of thing they’d want her to do, because why bother having someone of such exquisite talent and not use them? And it wasn’t as though she was good for doing anything else besides play the piano, because the one time she tried, it was all a huge farce. God, what sort of absolute fucking idiot would want to become someone like her? A freak who couldn’t do anything els- her cheeks were wet. Huh. She thought she had already done enough crying for today, but she guessed she hadn’t had enough surprises on this unending day.

In the end it wasn’t a lie that she needed to freshen up, she thought as she walked over to the sink, and turned on the water. She supposed that the makeup artist was going to be mad that his hard work had gone to waste with the lines running down her face, but she was beyond caring. As she washed her face, she noticed that her fingernails were dark purple. Had she really been so out of it that she didn’t even notice her nails being painted? She cast back her mind and grasped upon a vague memory of nail polish and someone holding a brush-

_his hand clinked metallically with all of the rings on it, but was steady, with the practice of experience. he had done this for his sisters, he had said. did he know that those same fingers that he was painting so carefully, that hand he was holding so kindly, would be the same things that delivered him onto hell? even now, is he laughing at the irony amidst the flames?_

No, no god no. Think of something else, she couldn’t fall apart now. Anything else. Kaede glanced around wildly, for something, anything to avoid being caught by the sin that she, in the end, could never escape. The bathroom was normal. Her dress? Nothing unusual (but she had never worn anything like it). Finally she caught upon her gaze in the mirror. She studied the girl in the glass, violet looking at violet. Beautiful. Elegant. Clearly someone of importance. An Ultimate. She wanted to punch that mirror into a thousand shards. With luck, maybe the girl in it would shatter and disappear too. She moved her hand up, closing it into a fist, her gaze never wavering.

“M-Miss Akamatsu?”

It took her a second to register the nervous exclamation. She blinked, returning her hand to her side, took a deep breath, and then turned toward the source of the sound, where she saw a cowering girl.

“I-I really hate to barge in on you l-like this, but they said that I absolutely had to get i-in there and they were-“

“It’s fine. What is it?” Kaede said in a clipped tone. She was probably an intern or something, someone who was probably terrified of having to go interrupt the god that stood before her. If Kaede were feeling better, she’d probably make an effort to reassure the girl, but she was still beyond caring about anyone involved with this godforsaken place, no matter how unimportant they were.

“T-they said to tell you that we’re going to be starting soon and that y-you needed to-“

“Tell them I’ll be out in a second.”

Kaede turned back to the mirror, hearing, not seeing, the girl scamper out of the bathroom, probably happy that she didn’t come out of it looking too bad. She looked back at her reflection, and saw a murderer staring back at her. Perhaps another day. With resigned steps, she walked out, heels clipping on the tiles. Back into the fire outside the frying pan she had escaped from, fool that she was.

The moment she stepped through the door, she was assaulted by a wall of noise of production crew chattering, alongside a noticeable gap of people around her, with barely hidden side-glances. She sighed. Right. This was what she was trying to escape in the first place by heading into the bathroom. Well, this time she would just have to grimace and bear it. She saw the intern from before, who was now waving, somehow in a nervous manner. Kaede supposed she was being beckoned, and followed her.

“O-okay, so I’ll just take you over to the set, and uh, y-you know what your cue is, r-right?”

“I do.”

“O-of course!”

The intern set off at a brisk pace, nerves apparently speeding up her gait. While Kaede wasn’t happy about the pace, given her heels, her body knew how to walk without stumbling. In far less time than she would have liked, they arrived at the stage, where she could now hear the audience’s excited murmuring on the other side. Now all there was to do was to wait for the show to start. 

“A-are you nervous?” Apparently the intern was able to work up some courage after all.

“Not at all”, Kaede replied. It was the truth. There was just the constant dread and sense of exhaustion that had been pooled in her stomach the whole time, not leaving any room for butterflies. Or maybe it was all her non-existent experience of having to walk out in front of a large crowd whose attention was focused solely on her. Either way, jitters were the farthest thing from her thoughts at the moment. Suddenly, there was a burst of applause. The show was starting.

The host started speaking, in a glitzy and irritating announcer’s voice.“Thank you all for joining us! We’ve got a real treat for all of you tonight, so don’t change the channel!” Kaede couldn’t remember his name, but she was sure it was something pretentious, to match his tacky appearance: golden styled hair, a piss-yellow suit, and a smarmy toothy grin.

“But of course, let’s not keep everyone waiting! Would the lady of the hour please come up on stage!”

The clapping was now deafening as Kaede ambled over to the empty chair, a fake million-dollar smile plastered on her face. To avoid having to look at that host’s smug grin any longer than she had to, she cast her sight out over into the audience area. There was everything she expected, people holding signs proclaiming their love for her, girls wearing purple vests squealing at the top of their lungs, even a few wearing black baseball caps. She wanted to run back into that bathroom, anything to get away from all the eyes. Instead she waved at a few of the girls in the seating, causing them to somehow get even louder and higher-pitched.

“Without further ado, I have the pleasure of introducing Miss Kaede Akamatsu, the Ultimate Pianist! Who, just yesterday, thanks to her usage of the First Blood Perk, has become the fastest ever escapee from a season of Danganronpa! Everyone give her another round of applause!”

God, she was going to throw up.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A rewind of the clock, to the moment that changed everything.

The first thing she noticed was that the music stopped.

Fitting, of course, for that to be the first thing to catch the attention of a musician. That grating tune that had been pulsing in her brain for the last hour ended. Of course, Kaede didn’t have much time to recognize that before her eyes were confronted with Rantaro Amami’s corpse, and everything else was shut out of her mind. 

Oh god, she had really done it. She _killed_ somebody. Even if it was the mastermind, she still committed murder. Rantaro Amami would never paint his sisters’ nails again, or find out what talent he had (if he even had one, or maybe he just lied about forgetting). Kaede Akamatsu was now marked with a sin that would forever separate her from her friends, and from society. Even if it was the person who had captured her, even if he was the one responsible for tormenting her and the others, a human being was permanently gone from this world, solely through her actions. She closed her eyes, and took a deep breath. She couldn’t snap now. Not when she was so close to fulfilling her promise and getting everyone out as friends. And maybe, just maybe, that would include her. The inevitable guilt-induced breakdown would have to come later, when she was alone.

And although Kaede understood, on an intellectual level, that the mastermind would have to be someone she knew, someone she considered her friend, she couldn’t help but let out an “Oh, Rantaro”. It felt like she had been the one bashed in the head, with the horror at what Rantaro was hiding behind that congenial smile.

_unless it wasn’t him_

No, she couldn’t accept that possibility. It couldn’t be possible, of course not! He was going to the mastermind’s room, right at the time that the time limit was going to be up. She even saw the door closing, from when he had opened it. It had to be him. She couldn’t accept anything else. She pushed the thoughts of the worst outcome to the back of her mind. Everyone else was showing up, and they needed their leader around. 

“So this means the killing game has started, huh?” asked Maki. When had she come in? Apparently, Kaede had been lost in thought for a bit too long.

Kaede interjected. “No, I think this could have actually been the end of it.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Kaito this time.

“I think that it’s possible that the mastermind is dead. That Rantaro was the mastermind.” Kaede tried not to be too forceful with her words. If they suspected, if they decided to investigate and figured it out, then they’d never be able to look her in the eyes again, even if they understood why she did what she did. 

And she was right, anyways. The music had stopped, like she noticed earlier. The nearby monitor that was playing it had turned itself off-

“A body has been discovered! Everyone, please gather in the library!”

That childishly high-pitched voice had always put Kaede on edge, sounding like someone had taken a blade to a violin string. But never before had it caused her body to freeze like this. Somehow she managed to turn herself toward the robot bear, appearing out of nowhere as always.

“Oh wow, you guys really cut it close on that deadline! You must be the type that always procrastinate on assignments, huh? But sheesh, I was on the edge of my seat. But hey, you got the job done in the end, I guess.” Monokuma wiped off some inexplicable sweat drops.

Kaede started stammering, still grasping onto the rapidly diminished chance that she hadn’t just entered her worst nightmare. “He- Rantaro wasn’t the mastermind?”

Monokuma turned to look at her with both of his mismatched eyes, and said the words that shattered her into pieces, the truth she had been furiously denying.

“If the mastermind were dead, this killing game would be over. But I’m right here to confirm that it’s right on track, thanks to whoever murdered Rantaro Amami, the Ultimate Who Cares?”

Other people started talking after that, all together in a rancor. She could pick apart what they were saying if she could spare the focus, but she was beyond that. She had failed, in the worst way possible. Instead of ending the killing game, she had started it. Instead of removing the one who had trapped them, she stabbed a friend in the back, one whom she had promised would leave with everyone else. 

Why did she think she could be a leader? Her? The piano freak? She should have let someone else, like Kaito, take the role. But no, she had to try and step out of the one thing she was good at. She had let her aching desire to make friends convince her that she actually could take charge of this group of talented people, all of whom deserved so much more than her, and where had that left her? Feeling sorry for herself in front of the corpse of the person she just killed.

Kaede was brought back to reality from the throes of her self-loathing by a hesitant tap on her shoulder. She turned to see Shuichi with a concerned look on his face, probably worried that the shock of seeing a dead body had gotten to her. She forced a smile and nodded at him to assuage his worries. God, he was probably the one person here she had betrayed the most, besides Rantaro of course. She had caught a glimpse of the potential behind his shy, timid shell, and decided to take it upon herself to convince him to reach out for it. And now, look at her, having made herself into a culprit, his worst enemy. How could he ever trust in her words of having self-confidence, the words of someone he would, by necessity, have to despise? Because of course she couldn’t just have ruined herself with her actions and arrogance, no, she had to do her best to try and drag down someone else with her. But she knew better than to try and match her descent in darkness with Shuichi. He had the strength to move past her betrayal, especially with the support of all the others, she’d seen it in him. Maybe she should use what time she had left to make this as painless as possible for him and everyone else as well. It could never make up for anything, but it was the least she could do.

“What time she had left.”

Kaede involuntarily shuddered. Because that was the truth, wasn’t it? Her life would soon be coming to an end, right in front of the last people she’d want seeing it. Because even if she was so depraved to actually try and kill everyone else to escape, she knew that Shuichi would be able to figure it out and would expose her for the conniving backstabber that she was. She’d never see her parents or family again. She’d never play a song again (unless Monokuma made her do it for the execution; she didn’t put it past the sadistic bear to rub salt in the wound). Maybe, in some other universe, she’d be able to convince herself that there was still the chance of finding the mastermind and ending the killing game at the trial. But here, it was crystal clear that all was waiting for her in just a few hours was a noose and nothing more. Kaede had to hold back tears. Damnit, she didn’t want to die. After everything she had done, she knew she didn’t deserve to have that fear that was twisting around her insides, but it was there, and she hated herself for it. But there was nothing to be done for it. That’s what she thought, until her ears caught on to a particular phrase.

“Thank you for the tirade about the audacity of degenerate males, and how they are the only ones who could ever commit a crime as horrific as this, Miss Chabashira, but as I was about to say before I was so rudely interrupted, would the killer like to announce themselves and claim the First Blood Perk?” Monokuma looked around expectantly.

The First Blood Perk. A free escape, with no trial and so no risk of execution on anyone’s part. She vaguely recalled Monokuma telling them about it, but she had forgotten about it due to being caught up in the desperate plans to beat the time limit, especially with Shuichi's deduction of the existence of the mastermind showing a possibility.

Couldn't...couldn’t she use it?

No, of course not. She didn’t deserve it. After committing the most vile, irredeemable sin, she couldn't expect to just walk away from that. She deserved to be punished. Besides, maybe she was too hasty about dismissing the possibility of finding the mastermind through her trial. Maybe they were involved, maybe they had gotten caught on the cameras (she ignored the fact that while she was staring at the body earlier, Shuichi was discussing with Maki how none of the group that Rantaro took went into the library before he had, and how Shuichi and Kaede hadn’t seen anyone go down there besides them). After all, if there was the chance, she should take it, even if it costed her life, shouldn’t she? Wouldn't that be the right, the honorable thing to do (if honor could even be applied to a sinful creature like her)?

But that cowardly dread of what laid ahead whispered in her ear. She wouldn’t have to die. Besides, it wouldn’t have to just be her escaping her just punishment, would it? She remembered what Ryoma was saying when he was trying to convince someone to murder him and use the perk to escape. The escapee could go seek help on the outside, and stop the mastermind from there. Maybe she could save everyone, and actually do something to make up for everything she'd done! But on the other hand, wouldn’t the mastermind be careful to make sure the escapee couldn’t bring in the authorities? Maybe they’d knock her unconscious and take her somewhere halfway across the world, to be safe. Maybe she was just trying to tell herself a convenient lie to not have to admit to her weakness.

The two sides warred in Kaede’s mind. Again, maybe in some other world, staying would have won, and the Ultimate Pianist would have been executed after being tried as planned. But here, all it took was a single moment, for fate to change.

“I-I claim the First Blood Perk!”

The library went dead silent, and Kaede was immediately struck with regret and guilt at her cowardice. Even Monokuma seemed to have been struck dumb (had he been expecting her to keep silent?). She prayed that he would just get this over with, but for some reason, the bear stood stock-still. Almost as if he was listening for a cue.

“Is this a fucking joke?” exclaimed Kaito.

That was the signal for everyone else to start yelling their reactions to this turn of events. This time, Kaede forced herself to listen to their voices, the words she deserved to hear, whether it was Kaito’s insistence that she couldn’t have done this because he believed in her, or Kokichi’s cackling. The voice she didn’t hear, was Shuichi’s. She couldn’t even bring herself to look at his probably crestfallen face, as her gaze continued to burn a hole in the floor in front of her. Eventually, though, one person’s voice rose above everyone else’s, quieting them. 

“Ahahahahahaha, oh wow! I’ve got to say, I really didn’t expect that from you, Miss Akamatsu! I totally had you pegged as the type who’d be like ‘Oh no, what have I done! I must burn for my heinous crimes!’ and all that! But hey, looks like you’ve got some darkness in you after all! As your headmaster, I’m proud, really, I am!”

When would he shut up? Or was Monokuma just dragging this out just to make it as painful as possible?

“Oh, wait, don’t tell me!” He brought his paws to his mouth amusedly. “Maybe you think you’ll be able to stop this killing game if you get outside, hmm? Well it’s true! I don’t lie about motives, so you will be getting a free trip to the outside world, no trial needed. But as for stopping this killing game…” he said while raising his arms angrily, “I’d love to see you try!”

Of course it would have been too easy. Of course there were precautions. With that last facade of her being any more than a murderer that tried to escape her crime being ripped away, she finally tore her gaze from the ground to look around at the various shocked faces on her classmates, which hurt just as much as she expected, even if it was exactly what she deserved. Shuichi was indecipherable.

“Now, toodeloo! Enjoy the outside world! And tell ‘em that they don’t pay me enough for this crap!”

And then the world went black.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The nature of the killing game is revealed. The real question is, did she want these revelations?

“...take it upon myself to take charge of her, because apparently in all the panic not a single goddamn person thought of the cause behind all of it.”

Kaede’s head was a fog, but she could make out some kind of words being spoken. Angry ones, it sounded like. Somehow she didn’t feel like opening her eyes.

“You’re kidding me.”

“...”

“Well okay, tell him that I don’t give a single fuck what the official community wiki’s definition is for a blackened; the fact of the matter is that she killed somebody, which means Kaede Akamatsu is going to be my responsibility!”

Kaede sat up with a start at hearing her name.

“Oh fucking- Of course. Because god forbid I ever manage to make a decent first impression with one of them.”

Kaede took a second to get her bearings before addressing the voice. She didn’t want to be rude, but it was a bit much to expect her to be functioning at 100% after...whatever had happened to her. She was lying in a bed. It was comfortable. Her limbs felt heavy for some reason, as if she had been sedated. Her clothes were the ones she always wore (she didn’t have her backpack though, where was it?). She glanced around the room and found nothing of interest. The walls were bare. Next, she tried to think back to what had led to her ending up in the bed. She was at the Ultimate Academy, Monokuma had instituted a time limit for murder…

Kaede closed her eyes to try and shut out the visions that swam before them. Throwing that damned shot-put ball. Rantaro’s broken body. The look on Shuichi’s face as the true depths of her treachery became apparent. All of the stress and pain that she had been trying to hold in to keep from collapsing hit her all at once. She broke out into sobs, her shoulders shaking. She had really done it. She had escaped the killing game. Yay.

“Hey, hey, you alright? Wait, what the fuck am I saying, of course not. Look...uh, you’re safe now, all right? I know you’ve been through a lot, but everything’s okay now. God, how do they do this...”

Kaede wanted nothing more than to lie back down, put on the covers, and go back to sleep to try and forget the images that were burned into her eyes, but she figured that it’d be rude to not at least acknowledge the other person in the room. So she hastily tried to dry her tears with her hands and looked over at the bedside, where a chair had been pulled up. There was an older-looking woman, with short brown hair and a suit, currently looking at her with a plastered face of concern. She had what looked like was a tablet in her other hand.  
“Ye-yeah. I-I think I’m alright. Sorry, I just…” Kaede heard herself say.

“Oh no, no need to push yourself. After what you’ve been through, I don’t think anybody would just be alright.” Huh. Apparently the lady was capable of speaking without sounding furious after all. Well, she didn’t seem like she was a bad person, so Kaede figured she should try talking to her, and figure out what exactly had happened after she blacked out.

“You said I was safe, right? I’m not in danger anymore?”

“That’s right.” The lady had put on a smile, which Kaede figured was supposed to be reassuring.

“So I’m free from the killing game? I escaped?”

“Yep. You are now in the outside world. Well, I guess this isn’t the most exciting place to come back to, hehehe.” Apparently Monokuma was a bear of his word, if this wasn’t all a giant trick. But somehow she thought that this situation was just too off for it to be a lie. After all, while she had guessed that there’d have to be some sort of organization behind the killing game, it just didn’t seem to fit with Monokuma’s theatrics and his isolation of the Ultimates from the outside to just leave her in a bare room with a woman she had never met before.

Suddenly a thought occurred to Kaede, and she mentally punched herself for not thinking of it earlier. “I-where’s my parents? God, they must be so worried, do they know that I’m free? A-And how long was I gone anyways? And where am I right now, a hospital? What’s the situation on looking for the oth-”

The lady held her hand up, stopping the other hundred questions that were bubbling in her. “Okay, let’s take this one at a time. Your parents are aware of your situation, in fact, you can meet them in just a little bit, alright? There’s just, uh, a few things we need to discuss first.”

Kaede realized she didn’t know anything about the lady. She had guessed that she was probably some government worker, probably involved in the investigation into hers and the others’ disappearances. In that case, it made sense that she’d have questions for Kaede.

“I-okay.”

“Alright, just give me a sec here.” The lady closed her eyes and took a deep breath, as if trying to work out what to say. “Okay, how about we start with an introduction! My name is Yuna Takaso, although you can just call me Yuna. It’ll work better for our relationship to not be impersonal. I’ll, uh, be your agent going forward.”

“My agent?” Kaede echoed in confusion.

The lady-Yuna sighed, and seemed to be steeling herself up. “Alright, there’s no easy way to say this, so...fuck it. Your memories are fabricated, and you aren’t an Ultimate, because Ultimates don’t exist. You have the memories you have now because they were implanted after you agreed to sign up for this killing game.”

What.

What?

This couldn’t be real, could it?

“Y-you’re kidding right? Is this just Monokuma’s idea of a jo-”

“I-no. Everything I just said is the truth, swear to god.”

“But that’s insane! All of my memories, _everything_ about me is a lie? A-and why the hell would I ever sign up for a killing game!”

Yuna sighed. “Figured it couldn’t be fucking simple. Alright, so first things first, it wasn’t just a killing game…”

Kaede wasn’t sure how long Yuna’s explanation took, because she could barely keep up with the whirlwind of information that was being thrust upon her. Flashback Lights that didn’t actually give you flashbacks, the prize money that she had apparently earned, and Danganronpa, the killing game series that had become the biggest media franchise on the planet, one that apparently she had decided she wanted to be a part of. All of it was a jumble in her brain that she couldn’t put together, and after Yuna finished, she was left shaking her head.

“I’m sorry, but there’s no way what you’re saying can be true. Maybe the world is screwed up enough for Danganronpa to be a thing, and maybe my memories were messed with, but...but there’s no way I’d ever sign my life away like that!”

“Like I said, your personality was altered for the purposes of the killing game. Maybe the Kaede right now wouldn’t want to be on the show, but the Kaede from then? That’s a different story.”

“No! There’s no way that’d be true!” Kaede exclaimed. She could see that Yuna was starting to get frustrated, but so was she! She was one step away from just trying to barge out of the room, even with the lethargy in her limbs, and find out the truth.

“You know what, let me just pull this one thing up, I think it’ll help you,” Yuna said as she seemed to be fiddling with her tablet. “Alright, now where the fuck is it, no, not that one, that’s the one for if he gets out, not that they’ll ever let that happen...ah, here we are. Just watch this video.”

After taking the tablet from her, Kaede moved to press the play icon, but stopped when she realized that the person on the screen behind the white triangle was...herself. She wasn’t one to be vain, but she was absolutely certain that the girl in the seifuku in the video was her, because her appearance (besides her clothes) perfectly matched what Kaede knew about how she looked.

“W-what exactly is this?”

“Like I said, just watch the video. It’ll make this make sense, I swear.”

Hesitantly, Kaede tapped the screen, and she-the other she- started talking.

“So, this is the one for if I win, right?” The other her seemed to be looking off-screen, but then turned her gaze back to the camera. “So, uh, I guess congratulations! Feels weird to be saying that to myself, but I guess that’s just how it goes. We really showed them that we were perfect for a killing game, eh? Oh wait, haha, it’s not like I need to be telling you that, since you’re here to listen to this, ha. Enjoy the prize money, and don’t blow all of it and then end up on the street, ‘cause that’d be super lame! Although I guess even if you do fuck it all up, you can always fall back on playing piano, right? Man I wish they could’ve just let me get the piano skills and nothing else, but noooo, we have to do a full memory restructuring and blah blah blah. Whoops, sorry, didn’t mean to whine at you when we’ve won. Uh, let’s see, what else…” She paused for a few moments, then turned back to the camera with an empty smile and more emptiness in her eyes.

“Tell Mom and Dad to go fuck themselves, alright?” She winked, and then the recording ended, leaving Kaede staring at that last glimpse of that girl that shared her appearance and voice, but whom she could not recognize in the slightest. 

She could see Yuna staring at her expectantly out of the corner of her eyes. When it became obvious that Kaede wasn’t going to say anything, she took the initiative.

“Right, so as you probably guessed, that was the message you left for yourself in case you won.”

“Right.” Kaede said, tonelessly.

Yuna seemed to be walking on eggshells to avoid setting Kaede off, but she was soldiering on. “Your parents are, uh, ready to see you -if that’s what you want, I mean!” she hurriedly added.

“My parents?”

“Like I said, you don’t have to talk to them if you don-”

“Sure. I’ll see them.” Kaede was barely conscious of what she was saying at this point. She was just so tired, and confused, and her head hurt, and she wanted her parents to make it all stop, as if she was a child and not a 17-year-old.

Yuna opened her mouth as if to reply, but then closed it, and instead typed out something on the tablet.

After a couple minutes of waiting in silence, with Kaede pointedly avoiding Yuna’s gaze, the doors opened.

It was pathetic, but there was a small part of Kaede that lit up with joy when she saw the familiar figure of her father stepping into the room and closing the door behind him. She wanted to leap into his grasp and then he’d explain that this was all an elaborate prank and he and her mother missed her so so much-

“So I guess you really won, huh, Kaede? Haha, and here I was thinking that you’d never amount to anything, but hey! Guess you proved your old man wrong! Who’d a thunk it!” He turned to Yuna. “She did win, right, even if she didn’t do all that trial bullshit?” 

“That’s correct, sir. She’ll receive the prize money as stated in her contract, and you will receive the outlined portion.”

“Fantastic. Y’know, your mother didn’t want to come, can you believe that? She tells me she doesn’t want anything more to do with that ungrateful leech, and I say to her, ‘Did ya even watch the damn show? ‘Cause if you’re seriously telling me the girl up there was the same girl who shut herself into her bedroom 24/7, you’re the biggest idiot I ever met, ahaha! She’s more than made up for what having her in the house has costed us over the years!’ But you know what your mother’s like- well I guess you wouldn’t, ahaha! Don’t worry about it, you didn’t lose much anyways. They say to focus on the here and now, and right now, I’m looking at the wonderful talented daughter I’ve always wanted.” He smiled at her, and she wanted to retch. 

It was true. All of it was true. She had probably known all along, but having her father here, talking to her like that, snuffed out her desperate hopes.

It was taking Kaede everything she had left to not explode and do...something. Her brain was too fried to process what. Apparently it showed on her face, because Yuna quickly insisted on leading him away, saying Kaede was tired and that there was a bit of paperwork to discuss. As he closed the door to leave, her father turned back to Kaede and said, “I really am proud of you, kiddo. Have fun being a celebrity!” He then left, leaving Kaede completely alone, with nothing else besides the horrible truths she could no longer deny. Everything she thought she knew was a lie, including the “friends” she thought she had betrayed. Escape the killing game? A hilarious thought. There was no escape from this world gone mad, not when her whole existence was a product of the craze.

And so, in a bare room, the Ultimate Pianist finally shattered completely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading Moment of Cowardice! If you enjoyed the chapter, please leave a comment! I promise I read every one!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She's lost. Adrift in the maelstrom of thoughts, feelings, and things.

“Alright, let’s try this one more time!”

She put her hands at the right spots to start the piece. She took a deep breath. This time. This time for sure, she’d get it right. 

She started playing the piece, making sure to pay attention to getting the difficult right hand beginning correct. After doing so, she mentally took a sigh of relief. But she couldn’t get complacent, because the piece wouldn’t let up. She dodged around the tricky syncopation that had tripped her up before, and yes-

Darn. She had flubbed up again. She sighed, and then leaned a little back, stretching. Dang it, it wasn’t like her to get in a funk like this. Sure, the piece wasn’t easy, but it was definitely something someone of her caliber should be up to! Besides, she had definitely been able to play it before, without all the errors she was making right now. She shook her head, as if to clear off the cobwebs. Sighing again, she moved back to the start, and got ready to play again. Trying to focus, she began playing the familiar openi- and she had already messed up. This time, she groaned.

“Argh, this is totally frustrating!”

“Oh? What’s up?” She heard a voice in the distance, and footsteps approaching her.

“Nothing, it’s just this stupid piece that I can’t get right, for some reason!”

“Huh? A piece that you can’t get right? Am I hearing things correctly? But I thought you were supposed to be the Ultima-”

“Yes I know! Ultimate Pianist! That’s me. But you know, that doesn’t mean I’m perfect, okay?”

“Oh, is that how it works? Huh.”

“Yes, that is how it works, as it turns out. I’m not a robot. Wait, oops! Don’t tell Keebo I said that, okay!”

“Oh, you don’t need to worry about that, hehe. But anyways, that’s really lame, you know?”

“What, the song? Yeah, it is kinda lame that I can’t play it right now, but it’s not that impor-“

“No, I mean, if you can’t even play one measly little song, you can’t really be called the Ultimate Pianist, y’know?”

“Like I said, that’s no-“

“And if you’re not the Ultimate Pianist, well. _Doesn’t that mean you’re literally nothing?_ ”

She frowned. What was that supposed to mean? And that voice, why did it sound so familiar, yet so alien?

“I- what?”

“Oh? You think I’m wrong? Then tell me, besides the Ultimate Pianist, who are you? Can you even do it?”

“W-what kind of question is that? Of course I can say who I am!”

“Then go right ahead.” The voice was now right behind her.

“Gladly. I’m...My name is K...K-K...K-Ka-K…” 

She didn’t understand. Why couldn’t she make her mouth form the syllables?

“Oh, poor dear. You seem to be confusing me with you. I guess we’ll have to fix that.” She could hear someone sitting down, on the far side of the bench, but somehow she felt like it would be a terrible idea to look over.

“I...I don’t…”

“Come on, it’s rude to ignore people. Look at me.”

Despite everything in her screaming to continue staring at the piano keys, she could not resist turning her head. And when she saw the dark seifuku, she understood.

“So yeah, _I’m_ Kaede Akamatsu. I don’t know who you are, if you aren’t the Ultimate Pianist. Something really lame, I guess.”

She could do nothing but nod along to Kaede’s words. Of course, Kaede’s confusion made sense. After all, it was true that she was nothing without her title. Certainly, she had hazy memories of family and friends, but they were all illusions. All she had was her talent. And so, without her talent, did she even exist?

Kaede snapped her fingers. “That’s right! There’s something for you to do if you’re nothing! You need to disappear!”

“Wait, but I don’t want to disappear!”

“Oh? And why exactly is it that you don’t? Do you have something to do? It’s not like that makes sense, when you aren’t anything to begin with.”

“I...No I don’t...but-“

“Besides, it’s a little too late.” Kaede pointed with her finger, and she looked down at her own hands, which were becoming translucent.

She reached out desperately for Kaede, but to no avail. “Wait, please! I don’t want to-“

“Oh, shut up.”

Before she faded away, she saw Kaede waving at her. What she didn’t understand was the void in Kaede’s eyes.

 

“Rantaro!”

“Hey, easy, that’s not actually who I am, remember? Sorry about lying to y’all when we were doing introductions, but that’s just how it is, for all of us.”

She couldn’t help herself. She ran over to him, even though she knew that he should despise her.

“I-I’m so sorry. So sorry for...for...for…”

“For killing me, right?”

When she winced, he patted her on the shoulder. 

“Hey now, no worries. I ain’t holding a grudge. Ain’t like death has much meaning for us when we never really lived, you know? You were just doin’ what we were all supposed to, and hey looks like things worked out for you. Not so great for me, but them’s the breaks, right?”

“I-I know...but still…I didn’t think you’d be this okay with it...”

“Well, I had some time here to chill out alone. And well, a little introspection time is all I needed to accept my meaninglessness.”

“I-I don’t think that’s...Wait. Where are we, anyways?” She moved out of his grasp and glanced around.

“Shouldn’t you know? We disappeared, right?”

“Yeah, I remember doing that. Ugh, that was so scary.”

“Yeah, but anyways, this is where disappeared things go. So obviously, that’s where we’d end up, you follow?”

“That makes perfect sense.” She frowned though. Was this it, then?

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Nothing, it’s just- I know I don’t deserve it in the slightest, but…”

“But?” A glimmer of irritation appeared in his voice.

“I-I don’t want to be gone! I, I know that everything about me is false, that I’m all lies, but does that really mean this has to be the end for me? Isn’t there-”

“Some other purpose?” There was no hiding the malice in his voice this time.

“Y-yeah…?” She hesitated. Why was he angry about this?

“Wow, I’m astonished that it’s even possible to be this arrogant.”

“Wha-”

“So let me get this straight: you already got the easy way to get out of the game, no trial, no need to think about the promises you broke, no need to even look anyone in the eye and tell ‘em you didn’t kill anybody, and now you think you deserve something else, after being coddled? You think you’re better than me and everyone else?” He was screaming at her now.

“That’s not- I don’t-”

“Look at me, and tell me you deserve a single goddamn thing!” He turned around, showing the gaping wound on the back of his head, still dripping blood.

She collapsed. “I’m sorry! Please, I’m sorry!”

“Holy shit, you don’t get it! How are you this stupid? It doesn’t matter if I’m dead, it doesn’t matter whether any of us are dead! What matters is that you’ve gotten it into your head that you’re more important than you actually are! You know what? Fuck this. Have fun figuring out some ‘other purpose’ for yourself. I’m done.”

She stared at the ground for some time longer, too afraid to look up again, and see his accusing face. She hesitantly peeked up, after an eternity (or perhaps an instant). She saw fourteen familiar figures standing in the distance.

“G-guys?”

The one in the black cap stood at the front. He waved his hand, as if beckoning to her.

“Hang on a sec, I’m coming!”

She started walking. After an indeterminate amount of time, she realized she wasn’t making any progress. 

“Huh, seems like you’re all farther away than I thought. Okay, then, let’s see if we can close that gap!” She broke out into a run.

He gave no indication he had heard her, still waving.

Even still she was frustratingly no closer than when she had begun. Refusing to accept this, she started sprinting. After all, couldn’t she at least do this for them?

It was futile. She fell on her knees, panting heavily. She glanced up to see that he was still calling to her.

“I-I’m sorry, I can’t...I can’t do it!”

He started waving even harder. The rest of them stood motionless, eyes gazing at her as blankly as when she had begun.

“Please, I’m sorry! For not being able to reach you guys right now, for making you all think I could lead you all, for tricking you all to take his life, for thinking I could do anything, for running away, everything! I-I know I’m worthless and awful and a coward and a horrible person except I’m not even a person, I just…”

She could barely speak with the tears in her eyes. “I just want to go home with my friends! That’s all I want, that’s all I’ve ever wanted, you have to believe me!”

“So that’s it? That’s all you want to do with your freedom? Kinda dumb, to be honest, but you do you.”

“What?” She glanced around wildly, to find that Kaede had somehow walked up behind her again, holding a shotput ball in her right hand.

“But I guess you technically have the opportunity, so feel free to waste it, I guess. Here’s a going-away present, anyways.”

“A prese-” She was cut off by Kaede swinging the shotput ball at her head.

 

Kaede sat up in bed, breathing heavily. Apparently, in the midst of bawling her eyes out at having her worldview broken, she had fallen asleep at some point. She wiped the hair out of her face, ignoring the tear stains. She hadn’t been asleep all that long, if that was any indication. Nevertheless, it had been long enough, for...whatever that dream was supposed to be.

Kaede sighed. It seemed her subconscious wasn’t very subtle, thinking back to her screaming for forgiveness at the figures she couldn’t reach. But there was no real point in dwelling on it, because there wasn’t anything she wasn’t already aware of. She was a fabricated personality invented for a TV show. She had no family (if she didn’t remember them, they didn’t count, right?), and as for friends, well, there were the ones that didn’t exist, and then the ones whom she had stabbed in the back. Really, she couldn’t come up with any reason why she should ever get out of that bed. 

The door opened, and Yuna walked back in. “Kaede, you up? Good, because you need to get out of that bed ASAP.” 

Apparently the universe took issue with her apathy, not being content with having already ripped her apart. Judging by the urgent tone in Yuna’s voice, she probably wouldn’t be able to get out of this by curling up back under the covers. Sighing, she moved her legs off the bed and gingerly stood up.

“So what’s so important that I need to be out of this comfy bed right this minute?”

“Well, there’s an important meeting you and I need to go to. I thought I had scheduled enough time for it, but uh…” She looked away from Kaede’s gaze.

“I decided to take a nap, right?”

“Yeah, that was it, heh. Anyways, let’s get this show on the road, ‘kay?”

Not waiting for her to respond, Yuna walked out of the room, leaving no time for Kaede to think. She quickly followed, but stopped at the threshold. Somehow, it felt like something would change if she stepped through, as if she’d be accepting that everything had really happened. She smiled grimly. She was a bit too old to hope for childish wishes like that. She stepped out.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the path forward is set, much as she despises it.

She was greeted with a cacophony of noise. There were people furiously tapping away on keyboards, talking into cell phones, and generally running around. She had assumed that her room would have been somewhere far away from the main offices of Team DR, but apparently she had thought wrong. She walked over to where Yuna was waiting for her.

“Enjoying the view? You should, since all of this is ‘cause of you.” Yuna said.

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”

“I’ll explain as we walk. Just follow me, and make sure not to look any of them in the eyes and ignore what they say to you, alright? They might not suck out your soul, but they’ll do something just as bad: ask for your autograph.” She set off at a brisk pace, Kaede hurrying to keep up.

“So what exactly do I have to do with your guys running around like a bunch of headless chickens?”

“Well, funny story that. See, we’ve used the First Blood Perk as a motive before, in a few seasons, right? It’s usually like a starting thing, to start priming people to decide to kill ‘cause it makes it easier, but then we introduce something to make sure they stick around for the trial. Because you can’t just not have a trial, that’s what everyone fucking wants to see! This time, we didn’t, ‘cause based on your personality profile, we found that finding the mastermind at the trial should have been enough for you to take the trial. Guess you proved us wrong, heh!”

Fantastic. Apparently she was so awful it surprised even the evil corporation behind all of this.

“Anyways, the point is that you threw a huge damn wrench into the works. Now, we gotta figure out how to market someone who never went to a trial and so isn’t really a blackened, but obviously can’t be considered a spotless. Also, we gotta deal with someone getting out in the middle of the season and what to do from there for events, because uh, well, you know...”

“It’d be a waste to have a perfectly good Ultimate just sit around instead of signing autographs?”

“You catch on quick, kid. Anyways, we’re here, at the big boss-man’s office.”

Kaede glanced at the polished wooden door. The nameplate read “Haruno Katagami, Head of Production”.

“Well, let’s not keep him waiting, eh?” Yuna pushed open the door, revealing a finely furnished room, with a man who was presumably Mr. Katagami sitting at a large desk, speaking into a telephone. As Kaede walked closer, she could get a better look at him. He was wearing the same suit as Yuna, but he looked younger than her, perhaps in his 30’s.

“-know this situation with the murder is unprecedented, but we can manage it if we just use the excuse that- hold on, I’ll have to call you back later, I’ve got a very important person standing in front of me.”

He put down the receiver, and looked at Kaede with a show-stopping smile.

“I’m glad to see you, Miss Akamatsu! I do hope you’re fine, as I understand, you had a bit of uh, let’s say excitement, after waking up! No worries, it’s perfectly understandable, it’s a big shock, heck I don’t know what I’d do if I was being told all that!”

He paused and looked at her, with that same smile plastered on his face. Kaede supposed that she was supposed to respond. “Right. Yeah, I’m fine, now.”

“And as for you, Takaso, would you care to explain why Kobayashi stormed in here a little while ago screaming his head off about how his ‘client’ was stolen?”

Yuna looked sheepish. “My apologies, sir, but the allocation is clearly defined as stating that I’m in charge of the uh, blackeneds.” She glanced over at Kaede nervously, but looked relieved when her expression didn’t change. “It isn’t my fault if he can’t understand that our definitions trump whatever the fans say.”

“Fine, but in the future, would it be too much to ask for you two to settle your disputes like adults?”

“I’m sorry, again, sir.”

“Anyways, you did debrief Miss Akamatsu fully, right? Or were you too busy having schoolyard fights to do your job.”

“She got the explanation, yes sir.”

“Fantastic. Sorry about that, Miss Akamatsu, I’m sure you’re wondering what you’ll be doing from here on out. Well, as you’ve seen outside, we’re all up and frazzled thanks to your decision, so we’re flying a little by the seat of our pants here.”

“I’m...sorry, I guess?” Did he actually expect her to care about how much work they were having to do, as if they weren’t broadcasting torture?

“Oh no, don’t worry your head over it. There’s still the usual things we’ll do, such as the fan meets, and if I remember my time table correctly, your first interview will be tonight! I hope you’re excited for that! And of course, we’ll be scheduling some concerts to show off your prowess, since you never really got a chance to use that in the game, haha! But we’ve got a few new things lined up, stuff that can only be done thanks to your unique situation. We were thinking of having you host something like a liveblog for the show, where you’d discuss what you think of each of the characters and which one of them’ll probably murder, that sort of thing. And then we’d also stream you watching the epis-”

“No.” 

“Oh, you don’t want to do the liveblog? Understandable, it might be a little mu-”

“No, I mean I’m not doing any of this crap, the concerts, the interviews or whatever. You’re not dragging me on there and plastering my face everywhere and continuing this godforsaken show.” 

This was the conclusion Kaede had reached. She couldn’t fight, or lead anyone in protest against the show, the game had proven that. This was the one last thing she could do, and she’d be damned if she didn’t take it.

Katagami’s smile hadn’t changed, but there was now a distinct coldness in his eyes. Without taking his eyes off Kaede, he asked “Takaso, I thought you said you had explained everything to Miss Akamatsu?”

“I-I did, sir.”

“Oh? So you’re telling me she’s aware that she just said she wanted to break her contract, and she’s aware of the _consequences_?”

Kaede snapped, “Yes, I know. I know that you’re going to send me to jail because that’s something you can do because this society is awful! I don’t care! Go right ahead!”

Katagami tutted. He spoke in the same saccharine tone as before, but there was now an undercurrent of steel. “Oh dear. Normally, this is the part where I make you put your money where your mouth is, and then two weeks later, you come back begging to get out and that you’ll do anything, but I’m afraid we don’t quite have that sort of time. Hmm...Takaso, give me your tablet.”

“Uh, yes sir!” She hastily placed it in front of him, and he began tapping away. After a few seconds, he looked up.

“Now, Miss Akamatsu, out of the generosity of my heart, how about I give you a little preview of what we’re planning for the next motive?” He turned the tablet around and pressed play. It showed an image reading “Kaede Akamatsu’s motive video”.

“Alright! Back by popular demand, it’s the motive video!” That irritatingly childish voice still sent chills through Kaede. “Who’s the most important person in _your_ life? And now, without further ado…”

Suddenly, the screen changed to a picture of her, with her parents. Kaede clenched her fists by her side.

“Kaede Akamatsu, the Ultimate Pianist. Thanks to her prodigious skill, this young lady is famous all over the world, having played concerts in dozens of countries! But what about her parents? What do they have to say about their wonder child?” The screen changed again, this time to a video of her parents on their couch.

Her father spoke first. “Look, Kaede, we couldn’t be more proud of you. Your achievements are spectacular, and we’re always in awe of how our daughter could be so amazing.” He paused, giving the floor to her mother.

“But that’s not what’s really important to us, dear. What’s important to us is, you, the daughter we’d love just as much even if she was as much of a klutz with music as I was. So please, you have to live! Please, live on!” Her mother broke out into sobbing, and was hugged by her father.

Monokuma cut in unceremoniously. “Oh, right, there was one more thing. Right after this interview ended, these kind folks met with an...accident, puhuhuhu! What kind of accident? Find out for yourself~!”

Katagami didn’t give Kaede any chance to recover from that video, which had hurt more than she’d like to admit, even though she knew full well that it was all lies. “So I think you can grasp the thread of this motive. Making people want to get out to see their loved ones. The key here is, it isn’t a hard wall, like the time limit was. Takaso, what season was it, where they all watched the videos together and agreed it wouldn’t split them and there wasn't a murder?”

“I believe it was season 37, sir.”

“Right. So as you can see, this doesn’t have to result in anyone dying. It’s possible that they’ll band together, and this motive will go by without a murder. Like I said, that happens sometimes, you know? And by the end, maybe a few more people will survive!”

Kaede thought she understood where he was going with this, and tried to stop him. She put on her best sneer and said “And? Why exactly should I care about how many of those losers get out?”

“Oh, cut the act, Miss Akamatsu. It really doesn’t suit someone like you. Maybe we guessed wrong before with the First Blood Perk, but you can’t really fool me into believing that you don’t still care about them, hahaha!”

He was right. Goddamnit, he was right. She knew that she shouldn’t feel anything for the others, especially not after what she had done, but the guilt of the thought of not doing anything and watching as they died gnawed at what was left of her soul. Somehow she just couldn’t bring herself to not still want to save them. She still considered them her friends. 

“But as I was saying, this motive? It might end peachy! But, of course, that’s just the plan, and as you know, plans often have to change when unforeseen things happen. Maybe we’ll have to shelf the videos, and I don’t know, maybe replace them with a second time limit?”

“No!” Kaede shocked even herself with the outburst.

“Oh? Where was the heartless girl from a second ago? Ah, no matter. Anyways, I think you understand what I’m trying to say, right? I promise that if you cooperate, we’ll put away this silly idea of bringing back the time limit. So, do we have a deal?”

Kaede could only stare at him blankly. Her one solitary move had been perfectly countered. And it wasn't even some external threat that did her in, but her own stupid heart. And now she was left at the mercy of this machine that grinded up teenagers and spat out wrecks like her (the ones that made it out, anyways), all of her own volition. Maybe this is why they made her this way. To care too much, to get attached, so they knew they’d have some way to control her if she dared thinking of biting back.

“I _said, do we have a deal_?”

“Y-yes.”

Katagami’s switch back to his previous friendly demeanour would have given Kaede whiplash, if she hadn’t been too lost in despondency to notice.

“Oh, wow, would you look at the time! We’ve got to get Miss Akamatsu ready for her interview! Takaso, you know where to take her, right?”

“Yes, sir.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up, updates are probably going to slow down a bit while I get settled in college and all that good stuff (hence this double update). Rest assured though, I'll still be working on this story. As always, thank you for reading Moment of Cowardice! Please leave a comment if you enjoyed the chapter, I promise I read every one!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the reminiscence has ended, and we forge onwards.

“Miss Akamatsu?”

“Miss Akamatsu!”

Kaede nearly jumped, as she was brought back to reality from the exclamation. Right, she was still sitting in the interview seat, across from that smarmy host. She had just gotten caught up in remembering the whirlwind that the last day or so had been. Why was she going over all of that again? She blinked, realizing that the host was still staring expectantly at her, a look of concern painted on his face.

“Ah, um, yes? I’m sorry, I seem to have gotten lost in thought there for a moment, ehe!” 

She put on what she hoped was a genial smile.

“Ah, no worries, it’s perfectly understandable for you to be a bit distracted. After all, this is a big day for you, am I right? Do you need me to repeat the question?”

“I-Yeah, that’d be great, heh.”

Great, she had managed to make a fool of herself in front of millions. Remembering that her stint in the killing game had also been televised, she mentally corrected herself. She had managed to make even more of a fool of herself.

“Alright, here is the question again: what exactly was it like when you found out the truth when you escaped the game?”

Ah, it was all coming back to her now. She had been told a bit about how the interview was supposed to go, but due to the rushed schedule, she hadn’t had much time for prepping, just enough to get the basic outline and a few answers. It’d start with a few basic softballs to ease her in (as if there was any easing in to be done, with how violently she had been thrust into all of this), and then would get a little more into the “personal” things. And indeed, it had ended up bearing out that way at first, as she was able to field the first ones fairly easily (Q: “Are you excited about having won? A: Of course!”), but when the topic had changed to this, she was dragged back into her memories. This time though, she took a deep breath, and tried to stay focused.

“Ah, well, you know, it was a major shock, of course! I mean, it was basically finding out that everything you knew was a lie, right? But, honestly, it wasn’t that big of a deal.”

“Really? Not that big of a deal?”

“Let’s just say that the prize money, ah, kinda tends to push aside a lot of those worries. After all, what does it matter if my memories aren’t totally accurate, when I’m set for life, you know?” 

Christ, she sounded stupid. But apparently everyone else disagreed, as there was uproarious laughter at her non-joke. Even the host had found it in himself to let out a few chuckles. After the laughter died down, he cleared his throat.

“Ahaha, ah, well that’s certainly an interesting way of looking at it, Miss Akamatsu. I’ve got to say, I definitely appreciate your bluntness, and I think the audience agrees, am I right, folks?”

There was yet more applause. That was really starting to get tiring.

“Alright, moving on, I think we’ve got a handle on how you’re feeling right now. But how about what it was like, during the game itself?

“Like, in general? I guess I’d have to say...kinda scary?”

“Oh? I didn’t expect to hear that from you.”

“W-Why not?”

“Well, it just seemed to me that you were really calm and collected during your stint in there. After all, you pulled off quite a stunt there with your murder plan, whatever it actually was.”

Kaede blinked. “Wait, you guys don’t know what I did? Didn’t it appear on the show or anything?”

“Ahaha, no, of course not, but I suppose you’d have forgotten. They never show how the murder is committed, to give us the chance to try and solve the mystery ourselves. The only time we get to see it is after the trial has reached its conclusion.”

“But...there’s not going to be a trial. So wouldn’t they have shown it anyways?”

“You’d think so, especially considering that’s how it’s gone down in the past when these sort of special circumstances have come up, but I’m afraid we were just kept in the dark. I must say, it’s led to a lot of truly interesting theorizing and poring over the previous episode. Personally I was thinking that Kaito had done it, until you revealed yourself. Oh, such wonderful mystery! Perhaps that was their goal all along, to build intrigue, ahaha!”

“I suppose it’s possible?”

Kaede thought it was a little weird that they were being secretive about it, if it really was typical for them to show the murders in circumstances like hers. Then again, she should probably be relieved that she didn’t have the exact moment of her murder captured and shown to millions.

“But really though, it sure would be a treat if we found out, you know?”

Why was he staring at her expectantly?

“I...What are you trying to say?”

“Come on Miss Akamatsu, don’t leave us all hanging. Tell us the details of how you did it!”

Her head short-circuited. She didn’t want to think about any of that ever again, but now she had to explain everything in detail? How much more of this torture would she have to endure-

The images of Rantaro’s prone body, of Shuichi staring at her with dead eyes, came before her eyes once again.

How pathetic. Here she was, sitting in a pretty dress as a celebrity, facing no consequences for committing the most vile act possible, and she had the gall to feel sorry for herself because it hurt a little to think about how she got there, despite the fact that she had hurt so many others so much worse? No, if this were torture, then it was torture she surely deserved. If reiterating the steps of her crime hurt even a thousandth as much as her betrayal must have hurt the other Ultimates, then she’d do it, even if it could never make up for everything. She took a deep breath.

“Okay, so let me start from the beginning.”

And so, she started explaining. She went over her decision that confronting the mastermind like Shuichi planned to do wouldn’t be enough, that they had to be eliminated. She talked about her discovery that the vent from the classroom connected to the library. She haltingly described setting up the pieces for the plan, and nearly breaking down when Shuichi called out to her when she was obtaining the shot put ball.

“...I knew that there were enough books on top of the shelf to create a ramp that would safely take it down from the vent to the spot we picked out to place the cameras. So I told Shuichi that I was trying to organize the books as an excuse to get up there and start setting it up-”

“Hold on a second. That was when you set up that part of the trap?”

“...Yes?”

“Right in front of Shuichi? Are you sure he wasn’t an accomplice?”

“Er, yeah?”

“But, so much of your plan seems to have been conducted right in front of him. Obtaining the materials, setting up the cameras and the trap, you even planned to initiate the thing right in front of his eyes!” 

“Well, yes-”

“I just find it all a little hard to believe that he wasn’t in on it.”

“I mean, think what you want. I didn’t tell him about what I was doing because of course he’d disagree that...that the mastermind needed to die.”

“I’m not so sure about that. I think if that it were you saying it, he’d believe you, no problem.”

Somehow the host’s gaze seemed to have gotten more predatory. Kaede felt like she should tread more carefully here, but she couldn’t understand where he was going with this, which only increased her dread.

“I...I don’t think I entirely understand what you mean. Shuichi isn’t like that.”

“Oh come now, Miss Akamatsu, surely you can’t deny he’s not exactly the strong-willed sort, not like yourself. He’s a leech who needs to be told what to do. Look at how he was hanging off of you the whole time there. Hell, with how enraptured he was with you, I bet that he’d have done the job himself-”

“No, you’re wrong! Shuichi’s a good person! He might need more confidence but he’s strong, I know it!”

Kaede felt embarrassment flow through her at her outburst, but what he was saying just got under her skin so bad. Shuichi really was amazing, that’s why it hurt so bad that she had done this to him. And anyways, she had to admit it felt a little good to vent her frustration at this skeevy and slippery eel. But when she looked back up at him, his face now nearly split in half by the wideness of his grin, somewhere in the back of her mind, the thought rang that she had just fallen into a trap.

The host looked over to the audience and put on an air of demureness.

“Well well, I think that should clarify some things for you Saimatsu fans out there, eh?”

Meanwhile, Kaede was more confused than ever.  
“Uh, what did you just say?”

“Ah, don’t worry about it. The point is, it’s pretty clear that you return Shuichi’s feelings for you. Which I gotta admit, is something I like. Never been a fan of that unrequited love stuff, personally speaking.”

Kaede felt like she had been hit between the eyes.

“Excuse me? What is this- and about love? What?”

The host turned back to her with what was clearly a feigned look of confusion.

“Well, you are aware that Shuichi likes you, right? I mean, the boy’s not been subtle with how he’s been swooning over you and has been practically glued to your side, ahahaha! I’m just saying it’s nice to know that you weren’t just leading him on.”

What kind of nonsense was he talking about now? Kaede tried to get her thoughts in order but somehow they were hopelessly jumbled.

“What- I don’t- I mean, I just met him!”

The host’s eyebrows raised.

“Oh? So you really don’t care about him at all, and were just grooming him to follow you? That’s quite callous.”

Again, there was a thought ringing in the back of her head that she was playing right into his hands, but she was too frustrated to listen. 

“What are you even talking about? ‘Grooming’ him? What?”

“Well, you know with all of that insincere flattering you were doing to him in that classroom-”

“It wasn’t insincere! I honestly believed everything I said there! And I do care about him, but not in whatever loony way you think! I care about all of them, including him! He’s my…”

She trailed off. Could she even say it without choking? It was laughable to think that he thought of her like that anymore, after everything.

“...He’s my friend.” 

The host looked at her with a disbelieving stare, clearly inviting her to bite at him and dig herself deeper into making her look like whatever kind of fool they wanted to portray her as. She flushed under his glare (which certainly wouldn’t help any misconceptions anyone had at this point), but she refused to say anything more.

“I see. Well, I think I’ll give you some time to...sort out your feelings on the matter. In any case, it seems that’s all the time we have tonight. Thank you for appearing with us, Miss Akamatsu, and congratulations again on your victory!”

It took everything she had to smile and wave at the audience again instead of taking the chair she was sitting in and smashing it over his stupid smarmy head, but somehow she managed it.

“And, that’s cut. You’re free to go.”

Finally. She got out of the seat and walked as fast as she could without tripping to the stage side, where Yuna was waiting, clearly chomping at the bit.

“Look, I’m so sorry about that bit at the end, I swear I had no idea about it and it wasn’t in the plan-”

“Please...can you just shut up. Just...don’t.”

She just felt so, so tired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear god it's been 5 months.
> 
> Yeah, my motivation really went down the drain with college. This chapter was written bit by bit over those last few months, with a sudden burst of inspiration in the last few days.
> 
> For those of you who've been following this story, thank you so much for keeping up and I'm sorry I can't promise updates will be more often from here on out, but I swear I will keep on working on this.
> 
> For those of you who are just now seeing this: Hi! Thanks for reading! Please leave a comment if you enjoyed, reading one increases my lifespan every time.


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